White Heat

White heat comes into the screen of my mind as I close my eyes. I am slumped on the damp, dark floor just outside the door.  The garment of your deception quickly thrown over me, your eyes darting as dash off into the spotlight. It drapes loosely on my lap, discarded with the corpse of my soul that you have coolly kicked aside in the alley that you deny ever having been in – much less lured me down. Amazing to me how lust was subtly disguised as love, and how easily it disintegrated into hate…

You deceived me, softly, slowly, sweetly even, over the longest of times. And I, hungry for words of hope, swallowed them whole. Dropping all guards, protocols, parameters and eventually all coverings. I surrendered; my dignity, my desires, my longings, my body, my sanctity, my sexuality, and my sanity.

The cool calculated sharpened edge of your summative words have fileted my soul. The entry point came at me blindly from behind as you lithely reached back, cradling hopes of redemption into the soft cobweb of your calloused heart. The incision deep, the sword thrust with the intent to slaughter.  The wound is flanked in flesh on either side, open and raw. It feels as if 100 proof has been poured hotly on the inner lining of all exposed viscera – seeping through the cellular membrane and the nucleus of my soul.

There is a reason that we have the phrase, burning with anger. We drown in grief… in an overwhelming sort of way – anger activates, burns and sears. The acidic fluid flows angrily, gurgling around the exposed cavity of my inmost places, my membranes on fire within me.

Hardly anything can be uttered from my lips or fingertips. The cool distancing in your eyes, the bewilderment that is in mine slowly fades into fury that is white in its heat and intensity.