If I Were a Wolf…

If I were a hungry wolf I’d want to get me some sheep…

Sheep are rather trusting folks, easily frightened, easily fooled, and easily led. I wouldn’t want my wolfish-ness to scare any of them away, so I’d be real crafty like.

Sheep are pretty easy prey if you have to know how to go about it. I’d get me an Armani wool sheep suit, a real nice one… and I’d find me some sweet sheep cologne to hide the stench of my undercoat.

I’d spend thousands of dollars to cap my teeth to hide my sharp canines… they could spook the sheep – this endeavour will improve my smile. Sheep like it when you smile, it makes them feel safe. Yep, I’d go with the teeth to be sure – the smile will help to hide the fact that I am scoundrel.

Yes sir, I’d slip into the Armani sheep suit with my shiny teeth, smelling all sweet like. I’d head right to the local bookstore and buy me lots of sheep books so that I could learn how to “Baaa” beautifully; smooth words would soothe the sheep.

In fact, (I’m getting excited now) I’d even work hard to rid myself of my growl… growls scare sheep, especially the weak. I’d practice “Baa-ing” real kindly like, even intellectually to anyone who would listen – eventually the whole herd would listen. Yep, I would be winsome and gentile, this would hide how wretched and ravenous I am.

I’d gain the sheep’s trust, from the oldest to the youngest. I’d get me a rep-u-tation for being a fine sheep, a faithful sheep, a defender of the Shepherd. Yep… that’s it! (I’m getting so worked up here…) I’d make sure it looked like I was real cosy with the Shepherd. After all, the sheep TRUST the Shepherd, they know His voice. Yep… that’s what I’d do – I’d watch the Shepherd carefully and mimic Him. That would give me credibility that I clearly don’t have on my own – I am a wolf after all. This would take many years for me to perfect, so I will have to be very patient. It is certain that while I am working the herd, I would be getting hungrier.

I’d make my rounds in the herd, I’d get real friendly like with one of the weaker sheep. (This is getting good, I’m starting to salivate just thinking about it.) I’d work hard to lure a wobbly one away… I’d tell her we were going for ice cream – weak sheep like ice cream. When I got her alone, I’d tear her to pieces in tender places that no one could see. This would do two things, hide the scars, and shame her into secrecy. Sheep are modest by nature and don’t like to show off their under bellies.

This would satiate my hunger for a little while. If I was caught in my rouse, I would simply rally some of the bigger older sheep to defend me – it’s a perfect plan. The herd needs to believe I am a sheep, even though I am a wolf. It occurs to me that wolves also travel in packs – so there would be a few of my pals there too. We would stick together – this would be our food source you know. In the event that a few of the older, wiser sheep caught on to my scheme, I’d be sure to baa my apologies and move to a new sheep pen where the sheep were more naive.

Yep, that’s what I’d do. If I was really successful, I might get invited to other sheep pens. I’d probably start Wolf Inc. (of course not under that name, that might tip-off the sheep) and go on the road. That way I could travel the globe gobbling up sheep all over the bloody place – just think of the international cuisine. (This just gets better!) The greater sheep community would just never know… and I will never, not ever be hungry again.

If I were a wolf – you could be sure that’s what I’d do.

Wouldn’t you?