Permission to Live Life Fully

I never thought I’d ever see 48, though I just turned it. My own father technically died of congestive heart failure at 47 — when really he rotted from the inside out. A man of manifold excess, he consumed everything and nearly everyone in sight.

He was massive man who died decades south of too early and decades north of too late. His life and his death left all whose frames he fractured reeling in the wake of his life.

My siblings and I are all deeply damaged and deeply decent. I have exactly zero idea how such generative and generous people can come from such a gangrenous man, but we did. All I can think is the words of Gibran who said, “Our children from through us, not from us,” and a damn good thing that is.

When last I spoke publicly in Chicago at RESTORE 2023, I poured the contents of my soul on what was to be for me, my final platform for the foreseable future. I meant what I said then, and I mean it now. Having been thrust into the public eye without my permission in 2016, finally after nearly six years in the arena, I gave myself permission to step out of it.

I had gone from being what Virginia Wolfe characterized as “a to a person whom things happened,” to a person who “made things happen.” I could then and can see now, for the very first time, that I had agency. I had a voice. I even had choices. I had become someone to whom similar others looked to. I remain astonished and appreciative of the opportunity to be not just heard, but really listened to.

Julie Roys spoke at Restore 2023 and gave all the reasons “why not to quit.” At the time I submitted reasons TO quit. Most survivors seek a survivor mission, ways to give back, to fight the good fight, to keep moral high in the face of insurmountable odds, to shine light into dark places even as it costs us our all — even if it costs us ourselves. And it just might.

Jane Hurshman grew up in a domestically abusive home as a child in Nova Scotia, Canada. Its not surprise then that she also she grew up to be a woman who was domestically abused by her common law husband Billy Stafford. Billy was more than the run of the mill abuser. He was also a psychopath and a sexual sadist. The harrowing account of her life with him was detailed in a book entitled “Life With Billy.”

I recall reading and relating to it when I was a child in the 80’s. I lived with a Billy so did Jane. He beat her into unconsciousness, forced her to perform sex acts with animals, tortured her and her small children mercilessly with all manner of severe maltreatment and finally, threatened to kill one of her sons. Unable to endure any more, one night when Billy was passed out in his truck in 1982, she blew his brains out. To those who have never lived it, it’s astonishing that incarceration can look like an attractive alternative to years of incomprehensible abuse.

Jane was tried for murder in 2007 and after listening to extensive testimony, she was found not guilty. The crown appealed the decision and this time she pled guilty to manslaughter, serving 6 months in prison with two years probation. For the following ten years she quietly advocated for women in domestic violence situations, giving her fragile frame and finite resources unceasingly to others.

In 1992, at the age of 43, Jane Hurshman was found dead on a Halifax pier 10 years after Billy by a shotgun wound to the chest. The autopsy suggested suicide but could not rule out homicide. Either way, the wounded wound up dead, having given what she did not have to give – herself.

The aftermath of abuse is extensive and expensive. SO much life has already been cannibalized by these bloated bastards. Why let them take more? Why quit? I’ll tell you why. You are worth more than surviving for, you are worth living for. The very first person you need to help heal is you. The first person you need to advocate for, educate, invest in, inform, and empower – is you. You cannot, no, you must not, give away more than you got, and that includes you.

The Christ, who laid down his life, said that only a thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but that He came that we might have life and life to the fullest. I suspect he meant it. Now let us go and live it.

PS – The above picture is from a recent hiking trip with dear friends who love well and live well. I aspire to do both.