Before I could speak, I understood that speaking was not acceptable. I had an older sister whom my mother fled with when I was two – we three were left behind. Recently I asked her what I was like as a tot. She said I had a shy smile and a quiet voice; that explains a lot.
Not speaking was confirmed by crushing circumstances, brutal beatings, sexual abuse, and wholesale neglect. Requests were simply not made for the most basic of things – use of the restroom, water, food etc. Resulting in outdoor, unsanitary evacuation, drinking from the ditch and stealing food from the neighbors garden.
Requests were not permitted to be made – not ever. CS Lewis said that when we pray, Our Father gives us the “Dignity of Causality.” My reality was the “Debasement of Causality.” I struggle to make a request to Him. Saying, “I will pray,” means I must overcome a lifetime of silence.
As a consequence of being a speechless soul, I have a quiet voice and mumble when I am unsure or afraid. It has taken me ages to overcome this residue of ruin. I still have to work at it.
So please know – that if I screw up the courage to say, “I will pray,” this is not resignation or religious platitude. It means I must cut through a lifetime of degradation to lift my chin to Him who hears my mumbling.