The ocean holds longing for me. I gaze upon it, soaking up the sound and scents, while the waves and wind whisper to me. I did not know that slaughter could occur from the apparent safety of the shore.
It has been a perilous path, this watery way that I was whisked into by the will of the wicked. The storms of suffering have swept me far out to sea as I was watching and walking along the shores of my soul. Nothing could have prepared me to for the tsunami of trauma that swept me out to sea – repeatedly.
I can hardy speak of the darkness of despair even now that I am safe upon the shore once again. I need only close my eyes to remember the endless waves, the nausea, the sleepless nights for fear of drowning, the contorted postures I used to help me stay afloat, the panic that rose and fell with the tide, the nights I clung to the driftwood of hope, as despair washed me along.
I cannot swim, but I can kick – so kick I did. Where I couldn’t kick, I crawled. Occasionally the wind cast me back towards the shore, all too often the current pulled me back out to sea. I can only tell you that some combination of mechanical movements, natural and supernatural phenomena, and a ceaseless focus on the Light got me safely back to shore.
Once again on land, I remained in a dizzy and disoriented daze for many a fortnight. I lay there motionless; still feeling the sickness of the sea; my inner ear accustomed to the drone of despair; my heart had memorized the sorrowful song of the sea.
I found him there, stoking the fire, smiling with a soft warm welcome. I could smell the fish… I loved him and knew him. What’s more, he loved and knew me. It didn’t occur to me to be afraid, he was safety. I wandered into his welcome, heart weak with hunger, head soaked with sorrow, garments soiled with the sand of another’s savagery.
We ate together, he and I. The fish was hot, flaky, smoky, and good. The company comforting, quiet, and calming. He spoke with his eyes, not a word was required.
Lovest thou me?
I spoke with my eyes – “You know I do.”